Saturday, November 7, 2009
kekasih yang tak dianggap~
dearest awak,
Saya mintak maap pasal hari tu~saya tahu yg saya tak patut tanya pasal perkara-perkara cmtu pada awak.Saya pun tak pasti kenapa saya tanya soalan-soalan camtu pada awak hari tu.Mungkin cuaca yang tak menentu buat saya punya mood pun macam naik 'rollercoaster'.
Awak marahkan saya?sekali lagi saya minta maaf.Hari tu,saya rasa terlalu nekad untuk pastikan sesuatu yang selama ini saya rasa saya boleh pegang tapi selalu saja gagal nk sentuh.hati awak.Saya tahu selama kita berkawan,bab hati kita tak pernah sentuh.kita macam paham-paham sendiri apa sbenarnya yang terjadi antara kita.
tapi pada hakikatnya.bab hati terlalu sukar jadinya bila kita tak luahkan.awak datang bila awak rasa perlu dan hilang bila saja awak mahu. dan saya hanya memandang dan menunggu awak datang lagi pada saya.
Saya tak peduli walau saya dapat rasakan yang awak macam mempergunakan saya.Saya cuba bertahan sebab saya fikir awak akan nampak semua tu.saya mahu awak tahu saya tetap berada disisi awak bila saja awak perlukan saya. adakalanya, bila saya rasa geram sangat, saya cuba nak buat perkara yang sama macam tu pada awak.pergi dan datang sesuka hati.tapi rupanya,saya tak mampu.memang sbnrnya saya hanya kekasih yang tak dianggap bagi awak.
Sememangnya saya tahu yang antara kita tak mungkin pergi lagi jauh dari hanya status kawan sejak salam perkenalan kita hulurkan.ntah kenapa saya tetap degil mengatakan yang mungkin ada ruang walau sekecil kuman untuk saya dihati awak.dan mana tahu rasa yang kecil tu akan mmbesar kalau saya tetap disini menunggu awak.
dan hari tu, saya pun tak tahu dari mana kekuatan itu datang untuk saya minta penjelasan dari awak.Tentang saya,tentang kita.Walau pada hakikatnya,tak pernah ada kita dalam kamus hubungan awak dan saya. dan bila saya tnya pd awak tentng masa depan hubungan awak dan saya, awak minta saya yang tentukan hala tujunya.Kenapa awak?Apa rasionalnya kalau menari seorang diri awak?
Saya tak faham kenapa awak mnta saya yang tentukan arah hubungan.Bukan ke selama ni saya dah terlalu terus terang tentang perasaan saya pada awak?Dan bila tetap mahukan jawapan, awak katakan yang awak bukan orng yang baik.awak bukan orang yang sesuai dengan saya.dan saya pasti tidak mampu bertahan dengan awak.
kenapa awak cuba katakn yang tak baik tentang awak?kenapa awak macam nak bunuh perasaan saya pada awak?kenapa awak tak cakap yang awak sebenarnya tak kongsi perasaan yang sama dengan saya?atau kenapa awak tak cakap yang awak sebenarnya takut sebab kekecewaan dulu terlalu pedih?kenapa awak tak katakan apa yang awak rasa sebenarnya?kenapa perlu takut-takutkan saya @ cuba halau saya pergi dengan merendah-rendahkan diri dan hati awak sndiri?
hati saya sakit tapi lebih sakit bila awak seakan x sayangkan diri awak.awak macam tenggeleam pergi dengan kekecewaan semalam.awak x bagi saya peluang langsung untuk mencuba bangun bersama awak.
dan hari ini,saya buat keputusan untuk tinggal kan semuanya.lupakan semuanya tentang awak.saya pergi sebab saya tak boleh lagi menyayangi awk sebab awak pun masih ragu-ragu untuk menyayangi diri sndiri.saya tak mampu lagi nk bertahan bersendirian dan terus-terus meliht awak terus-terusan menyakitkan hati sendiri.
Sampai sini sahaja dulu sayang...
"Oi,jadahnyer ending surat tu camtu."
"Aku dah tak ada idea lah mngkuk.Dah lah dari awal surat ak sumbng ayat.mai ak tanya lagi sekali skrng nih,siapa yang nk pakai cara kuno nih minta clash?"
'hello,ak dengan dia tak pernh couple pun,ok"
"Ok,ok jadinya camana ni?kau jangan tak jadik ambil pulak surat yang bagai nk kecut kepala ak karang nih.kecik hati ak"
"hahah,bongeklah ko.Yalah ak ambik.nnti ak bagi CD lagu sekali dgn surat nih ok tak?tapi nak letak lagu apa?kertas band-kekasih tak dianggap macam kena sangat.Ke lagu baru kris dayanti-aku wanita biasa?yang mana satu weh?"
senyap~
"Oit"
Senyap~
"laa,dah layan mimpi pulak shah nih~bongek tul."
hahahh,sorry kawan-->oh yer,jgn sedey-sedey tau!love would find it's way back to you!huhuh~
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